Reading “The Joy of Love,” the post-synodal Apostolic Exhortation of Pope Francis, inspired me to reflect on my family relationships, the years spent together in the company of my siblings in a large family.
The Pope says, “The love of parents is the means by which God our Father shows his own love. He awaits the birth of the child, accepts that child unconditionally, and welcomes him or her freely.”(AL 170)
Ours is a middle class agrarian family. I experienced the joy of being in the middle of my parents and grandparents, uncles and aunties as they worked hard to maintain us and educate us.
At that time most families had an average of five children. Rarely did we find families with two or three kids. And we were six. My father also had six siblings including twin brothers. And he was delighted when he was blessed with twin sons.
As a child I had observed a relative of mine who lived in our neighborhood, taking his only son and only daughter (my age) to a town for weekend shopping. It would be on a Saturday afternoon and I would without fail see them going. In my innocent mind I reflected then, “They are only two. Hence their father can easily take them.”
My parents had a wonderful way of driving home messages to our young minds. I still remember the stories mother used to tell us. “Once there was a family of particular caste whose livelihood included catching rats. They had 10 children. Every day they would get 12 rats. The days went on happily. However they tried, they could not get one extra rat. Then one day a bright idea dawned on the parents. They decided to eliminate one child so that they could have one extra rat to enjoy. They did so but could catch only 11 rats the next day. They started eliminating kids by one by one, but never caught an extra rat.”
I do not know she concluded the story. But the message was clear– God knows our needs and He will take care of us.
The Pope says, “For children are a gift, each one is unique and irreplaceable. We love our children because they are children, not because they are beautiful, or look or think as we do, or embody our dreams. We love them because they are children. A child is a child.” ( Al 170).
This was the message of my father too. While sitting his bedside one day, he surprised me saying, “My sons can have at least three children. They can very well bring them up. After all God who gives us children as gift, won’t he provide for them too?”
He had spoken from experience.
My uncle had told me that my father joined my grandfather in farming at the age of 12. Later he took upon himself the responsibility of educating his siblings much before we were born. It gave him tremendous joy to see his brothers and sisters progress in studies and life.
He once narrated how happy he felt when his younger had to go to another state for higher studies. My uncle did not know how and where to find the help. He confided in my father, who told him, “Do not worry. You go ahead.”
My father had faced struggles without sufficient food at times because he had to fund fees for his siblings. He never grudged it. His brothers studied and made great progress in life.
My parents and generations before them differ so much from the new generation that wants nuclear families with one or two children. The joy we get from a large family or a joint family is something that is to be treasured. Perhaps we may not have much material affluence or comforts.
Today I thank God for my three brothers and two sisters, although they live in far off places. We do not even meet every year. But the joy that I have them, itself is satisfying. I cherish the joy I had experienced when I got a brother. So much so as a four-year-old I dared to carry him, and fell from the steps. Yet I held him closer, and none of us cried in spite of the bruises both of us received in the fall. Love had banished the pain.
Grandparents were another source of joy to us. I think it was fortunate to have them with us. In turn we learned a lot from them and through them besides enjoying their affection and love.
The pope says in AL 192, “The elderly help us to appreciate ‘the continuity of the generations’ by their ‘charism of bridging the gap’. Very often it’s the grandparents who ensure that the most important values are passed down to their grandchildren, and ‘many people can testify that they owe their initiation into the Christian life to their grandparents.’”
Recently I met a young man living in England with his five children. ‘I want only my children and grandchildren around me when I die,” he says. What a beautiful thought from a modern father. He is an odd man out in an era of couples who delay having children or stop at one child so that they can enjoy life. Some are DINKs (double income no kids.).
The young man I met helps his sisters, visit his parents regularly in India. Yet he lacks nothing. God takes care of everything, he says.