By Astrid Lobo Gajiwala

Mumbai, Dec 6, 2021: It is not an easy time to be Catholic. Thanks to cyberspace, today we are instantly aware of the scandals and controversies that crop up in different parts of the world, and the collective weight can just be too much.

During these 16 days of activism of UNESCO’s Orange the World campaign, thanks to Voices of Faith (voicesoffaith.org) we have been listening to painful and wounding stories which have never been made public before, and the anger and powerlessness that we feel is wearing us down.

Two days ago a 30-year-old nun, young enough to have been my daughter, committed suicide in India. She chose to lock herself in the chapel and hang herself from the chapel window. Her suicide note was a cry for help, which sadly came too late. She said she wanted to end her life due to loneliness and depression, and even at this tragic moment she apologised for not continuing to fulfill her commitment to serve the church till the end of her life.

It made me wonder if she was feeling pressure to remain in the convent. Did she have anyone whom she could talk to, who would listen without judgement? What was the kind of discernment process that she had gone through before joining the convent? She admits to being depressed. This is a mental health issue. Was there anyone who could recognize her condition and help her? It is after all what we would do in families. But then, is the religious community really a family? Do women religious have the freedom of family members? Do they even have the freedom of male religious?

In the last few days through the Voices of Faith events, we have heard women share that it took 20 years or more to get out of spiritually abusive situations. So similar to what happens with women undergoing domestic violence who find it difficult to leave.
The shame of failure, guilt at “letting God down”, guilt at “wasting” the congregation’s resources, helplessness at the limited options available because she is not trained for any employment, fear of confronting religious authority, fear of the unknown, fear of placing a financial burden on the family. Who is there to help these women chose Life over the image of the congregation and the expectations of the faith community?

More and more we women are finding ourselves in a corner, unable to defend what seems indefensible. Added to that is the increasing awareness of how we are manipulated and controlled by the clergy, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically. Pope Francis has drawn attention to the evil of clericalism, but there are also rules of the church put in place by celibate men that cause so much guilt and grief to the faithful.

We are made to feel guilt because we chose marriage partners that are not of the “right” religion or gender, or because we chose medically accepted means of planning our families. We are brought up to believe that the sacraments are central to Christian living and then we are denied these sacraments when we cannot follow the rules of the hierarchy. Which begs the question: Is the Catholic Church a club?

It is tempting to walk out of this club.

My children often ask me how, I, a feminist can still stay in a Church that discriminates against women with such impunity, violating the human rights that are promoted across the world. I often ask myself the same question, and the answers have been different at different stages of my life.

At this moment, when Covid has moved us out of Churches and the sight of our ordained pastors; when we have experienced the freedom to worship as we please; when we have formed faith communities way beyond parishes, I realise that more than worship, or the rituals, or even the sacraments, it is these faith communities that sustain me – women and men, including women religious and priests, who live sacramental lives, who worship in spirit and in truth as they hunger and thirst for justice in the Church and in the world; people who mourn together as they witness the harm that has been done to women in the Church, by structures and teachings founded on patriarchy and clericalism.

For me, these women and men are the Church. They sustain me and inspire me and challenge me. They are the reason I stay within.