Rediscovering forgotten vocation amid war and loneliness

By Carolina De Jesus

Jerusalem, Sept 4, 2020: I was born six years after my parents’ marriage. My parents were so desperate to have a child that they prayed intensely to God with the help of Saint Jude, the patron saint of the ‘impossible’ cases, and Saint Clara. My mother made a promise to offer her first-born to the Lord. God finally said “yes” that same year.

As I was born in Christmas time, my parents named me Carolina.

I was in my first year of college when I felt the gentle probing to religious life. One of my classmates was an aspirant of the congregation. She invited me to attend a recollection. I believe that it is God that leads me. I took the invitation as a sign especially when a junior sister came to accompany her in our class outing.

God paved the way when she invited me to attend the recollection in Antipolo, a city east of Manila, capital of the Philippines.

I gladly accepted the invitation, much to the consternation of my mother. She hysterically refused to let me go without the company of my aunt to make sure that I would return home. My parents tried to bargain that they would only allow me to enter the convent if I would finish first my studies. A pact has been made between us. I agreed.

Setting aside my calling for a while in obedience to my parent’s desire, I finished college and taught for a few months until I decided to apply work abroad. My yearning for the unknown fed my venturesome spirit. I sought and explored but failed to find happiness.

In Kuwait, I became a secretary in a human resource agency that helped me travel to some \Middle East countries. It was during those enjoying moments when I had forgotten about my vocation that war broke out in the Middle East. With my Egyptian friends, we crossed the borders of Iraq and Jordan and from there boarded an Egyptian warplane to reach Egypt.

I stayed in Egypt for seven months with the generosity of my friends. I was able to work in the Philippine consulate for a short time in Cairo until I decided to go home for good. God seemed so insistent to remind me forcefully of my initial “yes” to serve Him. It was during my harrowing desert experience that I realized that God has never abandoned me and spared me from all harm and dangers.

During those agonizing and turbulent moments of loneliness that I made my covenant to the Lord that I would follow Him wherever He is leading me if I survived unharmed. When I returned to the Philippines, I felt the need to pick up the pieces of my life broken by war and my absence from home for work at a very young age.

The promise melted for a while because of the need to support my family. I spent four years teaching in one of the government run secondary schools. Then, I entered the convent, finally.

Life in the convent has its ups and downs. There were joyful moments, momentous occasions, and frustrating encounters. I walked through desperations and survived, still with my faith intact. Nearing my first renewal of vows, on giving my initial “yes” to God, my mother got very critical because of heart failure. However, God consoled me.

As our family looked for money to buy my mother’s pacemaker and meet the expenses of a surgery, the United Nations granted me the war repatriation payment. God provided more than enough in an unexpected way.

Though I faced many struggles in my journey, I kept holding on to my faith, believing that God has indeed called me into a life where I can fully serve Him.

Still savoring the euphoria of being accepted in the final vows, I received the news that my mother lost her memory and was diagnosed to have viral encephalitis that damaged her brain. She forgot everything, including us and even her most treasured memories.

My mother’s blank stare was very painful to watch for all of us. But it was during those moments that I experienced that God’s consolation is lacking. Since I was already preparing for my final vows, I was given only a month to settle things for the family. But before the deadline, mother died and was buried.

The Blessed Mother assisted us because it was on a beautiful Wednesday morning when she passed away. I had offered a prayer for her during Mass and implored the Virgin Mary to lovingly assist her in her journey. She died in my arms, with all of us beside her, singing and praying the rosary.

Before she breathed her last, she raised her hands and I handed her my Benedictine (missionary) cross. She died smiling, fulfilled and I felt deep in my heart that she made her special offering to God before my eyes. It was do show me that it is very beautiful to surrender one’s life for your Beloved!

After two months, my father followed her because of a fatal heart attack while serving poor people. I believe it was also his desire to spent even his last day with the poor. Was it only coincidence that father died two months before my final vows, so that I could understand the meaning of “self- offering?”

This is my call. This is my vocation. This is where I will keep basking in the wonders of my vocation, persevering in faith, because I know, at the end of this road, my own personal road, God is waiting, smiling, with open arms.

“By name I have called you, by name I will send you, by name you are Mine, you are precious to Me…forever with you I will be…”

(Sister Carolina De Jesus from the Philippines is a member of the Pious Disciples of the Divine Master now working in Jerusalem.)