I was raped when I was 5…

We keep reading in newspapers and internet about rape these days. Each report tries to find out why the rape has happened.

But does anyone even care how all this talk affects the victim? Not just the present victim, but all those who have been raped in the past, like me.

It all began when I was just 5 years old.

I was brought up by relatives because my mother was unable to support me and my siblings. So, I lived with my uncle since I was a toddler.

My trauma began on a Sunday morning. As usual I was alone at home as everyone had gone to church. Charles, a family friend in his late 20s, used to come home often. He came on that Sunday too. He started playing some kids games with me.

While playing he took me near the bed. Then, playfully tied me to the bed. I did not understand what he was doing. And then he undressed me. Even today I am blank about what happened next. I only remember seeing my brother at the door and a scared Charles nearly running away.

My uncle, who had kind of adopted me when I was just a year old, did not ask me anything about the incident at that time. But a few weeks later he sat beside me and wanted to know what exactly happened. He made me show him how Charles took off my clothes. He touched the places where Charles had touched me.

I did not know then that I was being raped again by a man I thought was my father, who was born 52 years before me, the one who was looked upon by his children and by the entire neighborhood.

This became a regular feature when no one was at home for the next 10 years. If I resisted I was beaten black and blue. I gave up fighting back. Just accepted whatever was happening. Mind was blank. Body and heart just stopped feeling anything. I never knew the consequences of all this in future.

Then one day I had to be taken to the doctor. And what he told me just made my mind blank further. Is this real, or just a dream? What was I to do?. The next few days passed in a haze.

My cousin who had taken me to the doctor knew the situation and found a solution. She sold her gold mangalsutra and took me to an abortion clinic. I underwent abortion at the age of 14. My cousin wanted to know the child’s father. How could I tell her that it was her father? I did not have the guts to tell her the truth. But she kept my secret until her death. I am grateful to her for what she had done for me.

After the abortion, I knew I could not take a second chance. So, I started locking the bedroom before sleeping. Since the “daddy” could not have his way I was of no use to him in the house. So he told his children that I was a financial burden to him and that he did not want to keep me in the house.

For many years I lived in guilt about what had happened. I had always blamed myself. I somehow felt responsible but I didn’t know how. The trauma had far reaching consequences for me. I was not able to excel in anything in life. I felt I was not a good person and that I will not be able to do anything good. I always felt unworthy.

When I hear influential people blame women for rape, I wonder how a five-year-old could be responsible for being raped.

What wrong did I do for all that to happen to me? Not only me, but thousands of girls on this globe silently go through such traumatic experiences without uttering a word.

It’s time we started thinking about the victim. How we can help her and all sexual abuse victims across the globe. Rape is not something that happens only in villages or remote places. It happens in cities too. It happens to the rich and the poor alike.

We should learn to identify the victims and help them before it’s too late. Many girls commit suicide because they are not able to bear the torture. We need to teach girls how to protect themselves. We need to teach boys how to respect girls. If we start respecting the women in our families and the women around us I think the kids will also learn the same. The teaching needs to start at home.

(Editor’s note: We are withholding the writer’s name and place to protect her and her dear ones.)